On Bankruptcy and Other Minor Frauds

Diary Entry: August 26, 2024

Today marked the first day of Bankruptcy with the esteemed Professor Pigou. My body, apparently thrilled by the prospect of financial ruin, decided 6 a.m. was the perfect time to start the day. Sleep, clearly, was not on the syllabus. After a thrilling session with an excel spreadsheet to map out my semester, it was confirmed: Bankruptcy was my destiny. My subject. The excitement was palpable.

Naturally, I claimed a seat in the front row, directly in Pigou’s line of sight. One must perform the role of the Eager Scholar, after all — center stage, under the spotlight, perpetually prepared. It’s all about optics. Besides, this particular American academy has a charmingly rigid seating policy: where you plant yourself on day one is where you will photosynthesize for the entire semester. The professor needs his little seating chart, a map of faces and names for a pop-quiz ambush. So yes, this front-row seat and I were officially in a long-term relationship.

Just as I was settling in with my laptop and notes, a classmate materialized beside me. We exchanged the usual pleasantries, and it quickly became clear he was another one of Pigou’s chosen. Looking back, he probably sniffed out that I was the new JSD student and decided to make contact. Networking, even in bankruptcy class, is a blood sport.

He asked where I was from, which led to the obligatory geography lesson. “No, not that one. It’s the small, vaguely European-sounding country nestled between Turkey and Russia, right on the Black Sea.” A classic. You’d think they’d have a map.

And then, with the casual air of someone discussing the weather, he launched into an “interesting story” about his girlfriend. Apparently, she was from Ukraine and, facing a slight “insufficient funds” issue with her visa application, decided to solve it with a bit of creative financing. He’d rustled up a fake bank balance from friends and family, presented it to the embassy, and voilà — welcome to America! She arrived with, in his words, “just a couple of pennies,” but a heart full of ambition. His advice for her to pursue a career in finance — a field where her knack for creative accounting could truly shine — was, tragically, ignored. She insisted on law school. The irony is apparently lost on them.

It’s always refreshing to hear a casual confession of federal fraud five minutes after meeting someone. A lovely icebreaker. I have to wonder if he’s told this story before.

So, yes. Strange things are brewing in Professor Pigou’s class.